♥ Maybe it's all just an illusion, or is it real?


HELLO.

I'm back blogging.
Yaaa, fuck it, when I always suddenly remember tomorrow is the 1st.
It was supposed to be such a joyful occasion for me to spend out,
but whatever it is, there's none now.
& all I could do tomorrow is, stay home waste time & think the hell outta my brain.

Hunger strike? Sorry, no.
I just doesn't have that appetite to even eat..
Since Monday night that hurting text, I haven't been eating till now.
Smart eh. I actually survived without eating for 4-5 days already.
Even if I ate, I'll vomit everything out, so it's like, no difference from eating.
Thanks to you, I'm having a real hard time.
Yet you can really pretend nothing had happened before.. (':
Neverminds then.

So afterall, whatever I've done are just, rubbish.
Everything could be just thrown away like that, without a sign on sadness.
Everyone wants us to be back together, but I know it's impossible,
even if I were to give in much more, it'll still be impossible.
& only till then, I realised, my over-loving you was also wrong.
If I were to not put in love in the first place, how would you feel? Idk.
But the fact is, I actually did put in love, but to you, it's over-love.
Oh wells, maybe I'm wrong about it then? Yaa.

Everyone wants me to cheerup & get you out of my mind.
Easier said than done. You can be cheerful back so easily, get me out so easily,
but sorry, I can't. Because you just mean too much to me right in the beginning.
But what to do when I mean just another girl in your life..
Nevermind about it.

Like I said, all I want is you to be happy, that's what I'm wishing for.
But what to do when I'm in such heartache when I see you talking so lovely to others.
But all those aren't even to me, even though I'm just a friend now. I don't even get.
Yeah indeed I'm really contradicting myself, I admit it though.

Just like in school, I wants to see you so much.
But at the same time, I don't want to see you so much too.
I wants to see you because I'm still loving you so deeply.
I don't want to see you because I'm really trying to forget you.
Whenever I sees you, my heart will get that aching feeling telling me, I love you still.
But whenever I don't sees you, my heart will give me that feeling of,
I wants to see you so badly that it's bleeding non-stop, I miss you.

& for your information,
there are like SOME GODDAMN THINGS in between that happened when we're together.
Only until we broke up, till tuesday / wednesday, then I found out..
You just doesn't know about it, you know?
Maybe I shouldn't tell you, in case anything happens again.
I don't know what will you think if I were to tell you what really happened.
Maybe you'll say I'm making up stories, or maybe you'll believe me.
I really don't know, & I really don't dare to risk it.
But even if I were to tell you, I doubt it'll make any changes.
So I guess I just gotta keep everything to myself, & suffer myself knowing the truth.
Perhaps you could say, I would rather hurt myself than to hurt you. Yes I do.

Laughs. Forget it (:
I'll never forget how sweet we used to be, causing others to get diabetes.
I'll never forget how I always goes to your house and have fun laughing.
I'll never forget how we started off loving each other.
I'll never forget how we used to text each other even though we're just beside.
I'll never forget how you hugged me so tightly even when we're in public.
I'll never forget how you gave me goodbye kiss everytime you sends me home.
I'll never forget how you used to chased the mrt after me and the people looking.
I'll never forget how you used to send me sweet goodmorning & goodnight texts.
I'll never forget how you always succeed in making me smile no matter what.
I'll never forget how you used to sweetly say iloveyou to me.
I'll never forget how you cares for me initially.
I'll never forget how we used to spend our own private time together happily.
I'll never forget much more more things, it can never be done saying it all out..
& I'll never forget how we broke up just like this, for no reason.

I shall just take it as, you still loves me.
Just that you needs some space for yourself, that's why you wanted to end this.
I wanted to patch back up with you, but I doubt I'll ever get the chance.
I wanted to wait for you, but you gave me that certain answer that I've no chance.
But, sorry to say, I still loves you, as deeply as I first said I love you.
My love for you hasn't fade off a single bit at all since the first day I love you.
& it'll just take a long long time for me to make it fade I guess (:
Lester, I love you damn deeply still.

Sighs, I'm really having a hard time letting my days pass.
Family things, School things, Studies things and relationship things.
I'm really gonna break down real soon, I'm serious.
One day I might just go MIA again, by then, don't find me, cause I'm nowhere.

Well anyway.
I've a goddamn hole or can say a crack, INSIDE my mouth D:
What the fuck ok, because it's fucking pain I swear -.-
Nnb, I can't even eat, can't even talk nicely, nor can I swallow my saliva at ease.
Holy cowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ! ):

Oks, I shall try to blog again tomorrow.
I FUCKING NOT LOOKING FORWARD FOR TOMORROW TO COME.
I DON'T WANT TO STAY HOME, I SWEAR I'LL EMO AT HOME TILL I DIES.
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK ):

Off to jio people go out!
Ciaos.

`If only you realise how much you mean to me, & know the reason why I care so much. Because I love you.