♥ I pretended to be alright.



See me smiling everyday, don't you? ^^

Do you really believe those smiles came right from the bottom of my heart? Haha, I doubt so. I ain't anywhere better at all. All I did was, bottled up everything, covered myself up with just a smile, so people around me wouldn't start worrying about me again. ^^

Every night, I still stay up late and think of you, still missing you that much. I don't think you can find another person who miss you as much as I do, cus I'm the most silly girl ever. :D

Yaaaaaaa, you should know. I've been tempting to text you, like seriously. I wanna text you, dude ! But I just can't find the courage in me to do so, cus I'm really afraid you might return me with cold replies, or perhaps you would even ignore my texts or something. Yeah, that's the only reason which is holding me back. If only you could text me, cus you know, die die I'll definitely reply you. Oh wells.

It've been 2 weeks, today is the 15th day without you. Perhaps, I'm still suffering in a way somehow. I wanna see you so much, cus I'm always wondering how've you been lately? I wanna know whether you're fine, wether you did take care of yourself. Yeah, maybe you might find me irritating by all these, but you just gotta know, I'm just caring.

Haha. 15 days of life without you, it's still counting on dude. I really miss you, fucking much. Nobody could ever understand how much is that "much" I'm talking about.

♥ Let's put up a show, for you.


Hai, back to blogging.

Yeah, totally broke down the past 13days. I fell too deep for this, far too deep from what I expected. Didn't expect myself to like, so deeply in love with him. Whoa, I really don't know what I'm doing too. Oh wells !

I emo-ed. I cried badly every single night. I can't sleep peacefully for nights. I made myself drunk late at night. I slit myself. I even thought of dying. (Y)

Anyway, I caused so much worries in so many of my friends. Seriously, sorry my dearest friends who cared about me. I'm sorry, I caused you guys to worry for me so much.. I hope I'd be alright, soon, yeah soon k. Can't promised, but I'll try.

But for now, I decided to just fake a smile through everything, just to let him know I'm okay. I know I'm not okay at all though, I know myself best. I might be smiling/laughing, but I'm still crying deep inside, sorry I'm still that upset, still that missing you. :)

But yaaa, for him, I smile, tho it's a fake one. But, better than nothing bah. :) I just wished I could see him again, someday, somewhere, right in the middle of a crowd of strangers again. Cause that feeling is so freaking awesome. :)

ANYWAYYYYYYYYYY.

I miss you, SLJJ♥

♥ Tell me, coincidence or fate?


Doesn't matter whether it's coincidence or fate,
as long as it comes down to you, it's the same thing, love.

Hai, back.
Was at chalet the past 3days.

Shall not really talk about the chalet, cus nothing much at all. Just merely had heart-to-heart talk with Ayuni bestie, really had a great time talking.

The moment I took the train, all the way to east side myself, my mind started thinking of him. The moment the train reaches Bedok, I think of him even more, Idk why. :/ So yeah, been thinking non-stop, seriously NON-STOP at all for the whole 3days at chalet. Totally, wow.

Yup, & something awesome happened on Saturday evening.

Maybe to him or others, it's an unlucky thing. But to me, it's the most awesome thing that ever happened to me in my life, for the first time ever.

Was walking to Ehub with Ayuni to walk around cus we're too bored. &, I was really really thinking about him all the way from chalet till we reach Ehub. Guess what?

Just when I was thinking about him.. He appeared right infront of me ! :O
Best thing is not that he appeared, the best thing is, it happened right in the middle of a big crowd of strangers walking among us. Yeah, how awesome can it get? :')

I comfort myself by telling myself,

"Fate brought me such coincidence to meet him again, right in the middle of big crowd of strangers, telling me that he's the one I could still see no matter how big the population Singapore has.." :')

Well, at that point of time, I was totally, speechless, but was damn happy at the same time. Yeah, the moment I saw him, is the moment my heart started beating so fucking fast, or rather it stopped for a second? Like seriously! It's the first time I ever feel this way towards a guy I saw lah sia.. x.x

& yes, that's when I realized, I still love him & I still miss him.. :') Cus I thought I'd successfully forgotten about him, but truth is, I've not done so, AT ALL..

Okay.

Sean, I really miss you.
I'm always wondering, will you ever be back to me..? :')
Simply because, I still love you & I'm secretly still waiting for you.. :')

`Sigh, silly me.

♥ Y'know what, fuck love.


Hai. I'm back to blogging, yeah. Blogging my hearts out this time. Back to that day, I was blogging happily because I was attached. But today, I'm blogging sadly because I am no longer attached.. :)

Yeah, once again. I got dumped. Dumped by someone whom I never ever fucking expected him to do that to me. Promised me that he wouldn't dump me, promised me that he wouldn't leave me alone, promised me that he wouldn't make me cry. Hah, promises? It's just a word, guys' promises are always meant to be broken.. Fuck it.

I really don't understand why, why did you want to do this to me? I very fun to be played with...? Or is that, all along, you were having the same intention with Glenn..? Already planned to do the same thing to me.. I really wonder..

I thought you wouldn't be the same as Glenn.. But I was wrong about you, you said you were the same, a playboy.. I was totally speechless. I trusted you so fucking much, seriously.. Yet this is all that I got back from you, tons of needles pricking through my heart every minute..

You said to me, "You should know, I really love you :(". But why? Why did you want to play me when I was so fucking serious about you... Frankly speaking, I was even more serious in you than I was to Glenn.. I love you MUCH MORE than how I used to love Glenn.. Really didn't expect you would do this to me..

For you, I lied to my family. For you, I sacrifice certain things. For you, I gave up on certain things. I did everything, just for you. But without even thinking, you chose to hurt me in the most cruel way.. Don't you ever know how hurt it could be?

I cried so fucking much over you, but you didn't seems to give a damn.. Not even on the account of being friend.. I ain't angry with you for dumping me.. I'm just merely angry that I fucking lost you as a good friend of mine.. Because I took you as my bestest friend who never fails to make me smile.. Yeah but now, everything's gone.. You ain't my boyfriend anymore, you ain't being my friend either.. You just totally shut me off, you just totally left my world without saying..

I really really hope you would think back on everything you did.. I don't know. I didn't gave up on you. I just merely gave up on myself, that's all. You were the one who gave me back the confidence and trust in relationships, yet now you're the one who destroys all my confidence and trust too.. :')

What should I even do? So what if it's just a merely 4days relationship with you? I still took it seriously, because I seriously love you. & so what if it's just 4days of love? I still can't fucking get over it so easily and move on with life just like that.. I can't fucking forget everything about you..

You meant so much to me. Everything that I had with you for that 4 days, really.... UNFORGETTABLE.. Especially the night when I slept beside you and you kissed and hugged me to sleep, nobody ever done that, I swear you're the first dude..

First hand held, 8th May. Infront of your family.
First hug, 10th May. Infront of your friends.
First kiss, 10th May. When you send me off in the cab, before I alight.
First cry, 14th May. You left me facing the world all by myself just by a text.

10th, 10th May 2011, 9:15pm.
You might not be my first boyfr, & you ain't my last anymore.
But you're the first guy, I really enjoyed myself with.
The first guy, who never ever once sweet talk me to get me.
The first guy, I ever wanted to love so badly.
The first guy, I ever stayed up for just to watch you fall asleep soundly beside.
The first guy, who ever pampers me that extraordinary way.
The first guy, who kept feeding me whenever you eat.
The first guy, who ever hug me to sleep.
The first guy, who ever held my hand so tightly to give me security.
The first guy, who's ever not afraid to bring me to show his friends & family.
& yet, you're the last guy who gave me such family warmth and love.

Whatever it is, you're one of the best boyfriend I ever had in my life.
Thanks for everything you've done for me, whether it's done in a true or fake way for me, I truly still appreciates it..

I cried badly for you the moment you wanna breakup. But, those tears I dropped for you, are simply what my heart is saying how much you ever meant to me. Sighs, just remember, I truly cares for you once, I truly loved you once, I was 100% true to you in everything once.

I know, you convinced me that you're just a playboy. But what? I still wanna love you. I know I'm silly. But whatever, cause I'm being silly JUST FOR YOU..

You successfully played me and dumped me aside crying like fuck alone and end up I got knocked down by car because I was crying badly and thinking of you that I didn't notice there's a car coming towards me.. See how much you meant to me? Fucking more than my life.

But anyway just remember, Your sucessfully played also means that you actually played with yourself unknowingly, because I was really loving and caring for you truly.. but you chose to play with me.. :') Yeah, I can't do anything if you really wanna do that to me. Up to you.. Since you already done your job successfully, congrats.. You win, I lost.. Happy? :')

I miss you boy, I really do.
But at the same time, You're really gone... :')

If I ever told any of your friends that I don't miss or love you anymore, believe it or not, up to you. Because I'll forever be missing you, cus it's the fact that I lost you forever... :')

Even though you're no longer here with me, no longer care about me, no longer love me, no longer talking to me anymore....

Just remember,

I'm being silly, because I will still be here for you always, and ever, secretly....

Please takecare, please think it through everything..

Bye 10th, Bye SeanLianJiaJun..

Bear in mind, there's always a girl named Rebecca, who will never ever leave you alone to face the world no matter what you did to her on the 14th May 2011, 937pm.. :')

♥ Felt deeply loved.


Aye. Let's blog from about Sunday till today, since I'm bored! :)

Sunday.
It's Mother's Day! But I didn't celebrated it with my Mother, cause they were busy at shop, & I went out, so yeah.
Met up with Sean, cause he agreed to bring me out to play to make me happy to forget all my unhappiness the past few days about certain things which happened! ^^ Hehe. Went to his house, slack slack awhile before going off to Marina Square with his Sist, Sist's boyfr and his little bro. Their family bond, awesome. :)

Went mac for lunch, and head on to pool. As usual, people play, I watch :P Haha! After pool, went to prizestage. They play UFO catcher and caught a Hellokitty plushie! So kweut. But it's caught by his sist's boyfr. But, his sist gave it to me :/ I rejected, but they all asked me to take it. Haha, really thanks them!

After prizestage, went to Esplanade's No signboard seafood restuarant. Yaaa, surprised uh? He brought me along to celebrate Mother's Day with his family! Somehow I do feels weird, because the feeling is like, meet parents session! :/ But yup, after knowing how friendly his mum and his siblings was, I'm really at ease. :)

Just a simple dinner, ate at the price of $390+. Yeah, they treat me. I don't know what to say, really. Tsk. After dinner, we went to the river side to take some photos. They pulled me into their family photo, yup, together with their mummy. I was really surprised, really I am. Shy maximum at that moment, I swear.

Yup, it's my first time to everything that day. My first time having someone to treat me to such an ex meal. It's my first time eating at the same table together with a guy's family. It's my first time taking photo together with a guy's family. It's my first time being so happy together with someone's family. I can't describe the feeling to anyone, no even to my family. It's just a feeling that can't be describe.

K, after dinner and taking photo. Went back to pool. He played with his mum. His mum was, wow. Awesome, pro. LOL. After pool at 8plus, went off to take cab back to his house at clementi. Okay, it's the first time ever that we waited for more than 1 hour just for a cab. -.- . Totally pissed, somemore weather so fucking hot, make the mood even more jialat, lol. Alas, someone came over to fetch us back. Their uncle I think? :/ Confused!

Reached their house at 10plus. & yup, I slack at their house until 2am. I had much fun together with him and his family for the whole of that day, I swear. Totally awesome. I can't thank him enough for everything that he done. x.x Anyway, it's a best day ever considered in my life. (Y)

Monday.
Went to school for PE. Played badminton, shiok. Been so long since I last played any sports. It's so refreshing to sweat that much! I wanna sweat that much again, lose weight ley! Hehe.

But, wasn't really in good mood in school due to something uh. Don't wanna mention it here though. Ended school at 3pm. Back home, rest awhile. & went out together with mum and both brothers to Vivo. :) Had Sushi Tei for dinner, been ages since I last stepped into a Sushi Tei restaurant! Udon, (Y) ! Hees.

After dinner, went up to skygarden for a walk. Took some photos, cause elderbro brought his DSLR along ! Hehe. Shiok shiok. :D After awhile, went to train back home cause nothing left to do already. Had a great day laughing with family though :)

Tuesday.
Got a morning call from Sean! Hehe. He just want me to wake up on time for school! How sweet of him. & yup, I woke up on time for school and wasn't late! Like finally, heh. :)

Ended school at around 12pm, rushed back home to rest, cause I was freaking tired. Yup, took a nap by falling asleep while listening to songs. :) Got a call from Sean again, he ended school. Was told to watch the 320pm show, but it's like so rush x.x .

I was somehow late, cause it's really last minute notice! & he asked me to cab down, all the way from batok to tampines. I was like, wtf so far, confirm fucking ex! :/ But he insisted that I cab down, and he wants to help me pay for cab fee. Okay, I really feels bad. & so, yeah I did cabbed down. $19.60 , holy mama x.x .

But end up, we watched the 4pm show -.- . LOL, nothing to say. Long story. Caught the movie, Fast Five. Together with 8 of his friends. Haha, his friends all SO DAMN friendly. Love it :) After movie, cab AGAIN, down to parkway kpool. Yup, as usual again, they pool, I watch. Before we went up to kpool, something made me feels upset or rather more to pissed off though. Pissed, doubt I should say it here.

Anyway, went up kpool after dinner. Yeah, saw Glenn there. He said hi to me, but I didn't really said hi back though.. Okay, whatever don't really wanna care anymore. :) So watched Sean and Joseph played pool all the way. & someone wasn't feeling well, yet he insisted on playing! :@ Tsk. After few rounds, he finally decided to stop playing. & I was like, phew finally he stop and rest!

Off. He cabbed me to Eunos MRT, and he went back home. Thanks to HIM again, I enjoyed another day in my life so happily. Hehe. I really don't know what I should say, I'm just really happy when I'm with him. He cares for me, pampers me like really A LOT. & yaaaaa, once again, he asked me whether we're considered as couple. I was like, I was thinking of accepting him that day, because the way he persist in loving me, the way he cares for me, & other things else, really made me feels so.

& yeah, I finally get the courage to say, Yes.
Ya, I agreed to be his girlfriend. Yes, I did.
I gave the chance to him, instead of all the other 11 guys who's also wooing me..



Want to know why I chose him? Simple.
Because he's the one who showed me what's really called, Caring.
Because he's the one who showed me what's really called, Loving.
Because he's the one who showed me what's really called, Sweet.
Because he's the one who showed me what's really called, Understanding.
Because he's the one who persisted on in wanting to love me no matter what happened.
Because he's the one who made me feel so loved with him.
Because he's the one who made me feel so touched with things he did.
Because he's the one who made me feel so happy when he's around.
Because he's the one who never fails to make me smile.
Because he's the one who never fails to be there for me.
& maybe because, he's just the one.

Hi baby. ♥
I know you'll be reading this somehow, cause I just gave you my link!
Thanks for everything you've done for me the past few days, I'm really touched. I'm sorry if I hurt you in the past because of that something, I was wrong, I regretted somehow. But I didn't expect you to still be so nice to me despite what I had done, I feel bad though. Still, thanks a lot. I really don't know what to say. & because you should know that I've already lost confidence in myself for love, that's why I did told you today, you're the one loving me more than I'm loving you. I'm sorry for that. But yeah, I know I'll surely love you more as each day pass by. Because you're really nice to me to the extent that I'm touched till I can't explain the feeling. & anyway, I know you're 4years younger than me, I know some people might be saying a lot things about this. But it really doesn't matter to me if people say that I love younger guy, as long as I love you, it's what matters. I don't care about what others gonna say, I just wanna love you the right way. :) Whatever it is, you made me smiling back so cheerfully again. Thanks baby, I hope we'll last long. 10th, I love you. ♥

Okay, off I go from blogger. Update again!

`I finally get to know what's being love again.

♥ Love blind.


What happened yesterday? A very bad day. Oh maybe, I don't even know if it's bad.

I can't really blog it out this time, cause some people might see and starts to gossips all about me again, retards. Dang~

Leave me out for all you want, I don't really want to give a fuck anymore. Hypocrites ttvm, infront of others, talk to me so nice. Behind, gossips and backstab like some motherfucker. LOL. I swear after ____ , I'll just fucking stop talking to the few of you. Let's just end everything by that deadline, for now, is still no choice. :)

Whatever ah, I don't like you either. Why must I be nice to you when you're the one who kept showing me your bitch attitude in the first place? Hahaha.

Oh wells, anyway. It's polling day today uh? But, none of my business also ah. But still, it's a boring stay home saturday. Dang~

Don't feels like going out, because of my very damn serious panda eye. Usually panda eyes are just dark eye circles. But mine, it got real worse. & now, it's swollen red. Joke ah. I've gotta sleep earlier lah ! :@

I've been facebooking almost 24/7 . LOL. Call me no life if you want, I don't fucking care anymore ._. . If by using facebook is called no life, then why are you even in my facebook friend list? Means you're also a no lifer? ^^v . Hah.

Okay, I wanna audi. Goodbye! :/

`I doubt anyone knows what's on my mind.

AWFULLY HEARTWRENCHING DAY.
Sighs, really sucha unexpected day I'm having. I don't feel like crying, I just feels like shouting. Gah.

Person A and Person B, both gave me heartaches early in the morning. Really don't know what I shoud really be feeling? I'm rather confused, somehow.

Person A, leaving for overseas trip this morning at 6am. I specially woke up at 530am just to send him a Bon Voyage text. But the reply I got back was, merely just a 3 short and simple words with 4 smiley faces. That's all. K, that's seriously the first heartache I've gotten for the day. I can't explain why, I just do feels it.

Person B, currently having his MYE. I specially stayed awake despite being so fucking sleepy after only sleeping for 2 hours. Just so that I could send him a Good morning + Good Luck text, to encourage and motivate him to do well in the paper! But yet again.. the reply I got back was, just a word and a smiley.. The second heartache I've gotten for the day. Really extremely heartache, just because he's someone very dear to me. I can't help it but to feel that ache in me unknowningly.

Sighs. There goes my day, always let anyone affects my mood so easily. Dang~ I wished I could just be stronger and not let all these little stuffs affects me, but sorry, I really can't do it. I'm too weak. Or rather, I'm just still that silly as ever, I know !

Oh wells, I'm sure by night time I'd be feeling okay. I know there'll be someone who'll make me smile later on in the day, that someone will. :)

I'm like fucking tired now seriously, only 2 hours of sleep. & I'm awake till now, school at 1130am, practical lesson somemore ! Don't know what time end school also, most probably late noon or evening 6pm again ! Dang dang dang ~ *pouts.

Most of the times, I really do loves my blog. Cus I always managed to rant as much as I want here. Doesn't matter if there's anyone who saw all those posts, at least I gets to rant them all out by typing, cause I can't find any right person to tell my heart matters to. I don't wanna add on people's burden by worrying about me, that's why I chose not to tell people my stuffs, I'd rather type or write them all out, or worst still, bottling up all of them to myself. I might burst one day :/

Alrights, off from blogger aye. Update again soon ;)
Thanks, whoever who spent time reading all my posts. Much lovelovelove to you!♥♥♥♥♥♥

`I am literally hurt? Mentally I suppose.